Karl Rove Outdid Himself with McCain, Palin, and Gustav

Karl Rove has orchestrated the greatest political maneuverings in political history, and I am proud to have been a mere witness to it.

The story goes back quite awhile, but to cut that part of the story short: as we all know, Karl Rove has been largely responsible for global warming in this world, working since the 1970s to destroy the planet.

But what we didn't realize until now was just what the whole point of it was. Many thought the endgame was simple greed and avarice. But as usual, the truth is far more insidious. And it's complicated, so bear with me.

Rove had a plan even in the 1970s for a permanent Republican majority. That was the real goal: simple power. In order to do that, he decided, he would get us addicted to oil -- which would cause global warming -- and use that oil as a political basis for Republican rule.

In order to do that, though, he needed to colonize the Middle East and steal its resources.

He knew that eventually he could get Republicans in control to wage his war in the Middle East, most likely against Iraq. But he also knew that this would seriously harm the Republican Party in the short run, as no one likes war, so he needed a plan to regain control with a new Republican President, for this really-really-permanent majority.

Oil was the solution there, too: once we were addicted, he could use the promise of more oil to regain the majority. He could do this by putting an Alaskan on the ticket, but there was two problems.

First, the Republican President in power would be unpopular, and this would cause significant harm to the next Republican President. Second, as everyone knows, Alaskans get pregnant out of wedlock, and this could threaten to derail everything.

This is where the pure genius of Karl Rove really shines. The global warming was not a mere side effect of the oil addiction, it was part of the point. It would be the key to the whole plan.

Through global warming, Karl Rove would create a hurricane that would, in one fell swoop, give the unpopular Republican President cover for not attending the nominating convention, and allow the Alaskan to bury the news of her daughter's pregnancy, thereby leading to another Republican victory.

Now, granted, I've oversimplified quite a bit. For example, Hurricane Gustav could not be so devastating that it would ruin the convention, so he needed a reason to make people overprepared for it. This was accomplished with Hurricane Katrina. He also was able to cause that hurricane, and of course he did everything he could to make the effects of Katrina as catastrophic as possible, not because he hated black people, but so that people would overreact to Gustav in 2008.

And I left out the whole part about his social controls of the population that would lead both to high teenage pregnancy rates and the resulting accusations of hypocrisy, which would lead both to the Alaskan's daughter's pregnancy and the need to bury the story.

Now don't get me wrong. I am not saying Rove knew all of this in advance. He didn't know what names the hurricanes would be given.

All I have to say is Bravo, Karl, Bravo.