Alternate Candidates for Governor

Who will receive your vote for Washington's next governor? I imagine most people reading this, who are eligible to vote, will quickly reply that it is Dino Rossi. A handful of others will provide the name of the incumbent, Christine Gregoire.

But there are other choices, if you are for some reason unhappy with those two choices. Very few Republicans seem to dislike Rossi, but for those who do, there are other candidates on the Republican side.

For example, there's Javier Lopez, who, like most Republican candidates, is against waste and fraud in government, in favor of accountability, thinks we need tougher laws against sexual abuse of children, and has a strong solution to the energy crisis: he has invented a car that is fueled by air.

Republican John W. Aiken has an energy plan, too: purchasing hundreds of thousands of acres to have government-grown ethanol from sugar beets. He also wants to have huge increases in affordable housing subsidies, year-round schooling (with longer hours because parents can't always pick up their kids until later), and casinos at highway rest stops.

Then there is former Republican Will Baker (watch your speaker's volume level ... crank it up for a beat that matches the hair!), now of the Reform Party, who is perhaps best known as the Republican candidate for State Auditor in 2004, who was disowned by the Party when it was revealed that he was being habitually arrested for disrupting public meetings.

The Democrats have another French Chris: Christian Pierre Joubert. He is perhaps hoping to win on name similarity, but he also could be hoping his compelling platform of complete and total socialism will win the day, by granting new "fundamental freedoms" such as freedom from diseases, pollution, waste, war, excessive mortgage, debt, homelessness, ignorance, alienation, recession, hunger, desert, world misery, injustice, and tyranny.

If you were looking for a candidate to the immanentize of the eschaton, Joubert is your man. And he has a plan to do it: his first act as governor would be a toxicity test of every person in Washington, followed by true universal health care (including, of course, holistic medicine), which will be the cornerstone to his "New Holistic and Spiritual Civilisation."

The Green Party has is own candidate, Duff Badgley. But honestly, how can the Greens top Joubert? I'll tell you how: by forcing Boeing to stop making airplanes and weapons, and start making solar and wind power equipment, and making it a crime to ride in a car by yourself!

There are, of course, several independents running as well. James White -- a Boeing airplane inspector, so I'd love to see him debate Badgley -- wants to do silly things like respect constitutional rights and hold government accountable. Yeah, keep smoking that doobie, man.

Mohammad Hassan Said, M.D., Ph.D., DPH, MACP, FAAFP, is for states' rights, wanting to delegate the power to declare war and regulate international trade to state legislatures. He would also pull us immediately our of Iraq and work on a one-state solution for the Palestinian-Israeli conflict. Oh, and he wants to protect us from the Jewish threat. (Just a friendly tip: if your name is Mohammad and you don't want people to think you're a radical Muslim, don't say things like "AIPAC and other Jewish Zionist Lobbies who represent less than 2% of American People are using the United States through their mighty power in the News Media, Financial Institutions, Hollywood and Entertainment Industry, Both Political Parties, Congress and the White House. ..." Hope that helps!)

Last, but not least (well, maybe least, it's hard to say, really), is Christopher Tudor, who seems to be saying that Rossi is right about all the problems -- lack of government innovation, throwing money at problems, unreasonable taxes, lack of transportation growth, weak public education, and so on -- but also believes that a governor without the support of anyone in the legislature is the best way to actually fix those problems. Worked well for John Adams!

I hope this has been a useful guide for you. While none of these candidates have raised cash amounting to even one-quarter of their filing fee, they paid that filing fee and deserve to be heard. Or, seen. Or, something.